Hi Sophie,
This step is about ‘Wittgenstein’s Lion’, and how language and words MATTER – the power and effectiveness of Language. I think that very first thing is a principle – that language and words MATTER… it sounds so simple, but I’m sitting here thinking about that, amazed at how little importance most of us put on our words and our language. The world seems to be full of people who quickly and easily adopt an accent or a ‘slang’ that they think SOUNDS cool, so they can project themselves or their self image in a certain way…
But I’m looking at how often I throw words out there, often whatever pops into mind in my typical ‘look before you leap’ tendency, without giving any thought to the actual words or the actual language. I think that people as a whole have become very thoughtless and careless with their language.
Actually as I think about this, I think that this work is the first thing ever that got me to think about even SOME of my words, and some of my language…the first thing that I can ever recall anyway.
Things like how I have so easily been able to say how things ARE, rather than how they SEEM to be, or how I ‘AM’, rather than traits or characteristics that I ‘HAVE’ that are not me, and how powerful those words can be – how we can resign ourselves to a way of being with our words, and resign ourselves to black and white thinking.
I just re-read an amazing article you wrote about this, and it’s so relevant in the light of this step – about how the very thing that differentiates the 1000 from the rest of us is basically how we use words – probably the most valuable quote in this whole report will be yours, from that article – here it is: ….
‘unfortunately, until you are able to see that words create reality, that words are active and not just descriptive, like paint brushes, you won’t be able to let go of the words… and you won’t become more, better, get closer to become all you can become’… (https://www.yourvibration.com/75146/see-2/)
it’s too bad Tai doesn’t have access to that article for this step, it’s so huge.
I like the visual of seeing words like paint brushes, I didn’t grasp that the first time I read this a few months ago. For me I’m seeing that there are many of these… most recently how I have taken so many things I’ve read and heard as an absolute, set in stone…I never noticed before how often I do this, and now that I notice it in myself I’m seeing it everywhere, and in other people as well.
I have to think about why that would be, especially in the light of our last call, where muscle testing determined that I don’t trust anyone… why would I then be so quick to take what someone says as reality?
It seems most arguments that I hear these days, in politics or in workplaces or just among people, are solely based on what each person heard and took to be the absolute truth, the same way that I have heard things from you and took them as completely true reality for all time, rather than seeing the way it is just ‘right now’, for the moment, or that I can’t have or do something YET.
The ‘with a grain of salt’ factor seems to be missing for most of us, I’m thinking probably because we’ve been trained not to think, not to create, not to imagine, not to be responsible for the information we accept as truth or reality, just to accept it as it’s bombarded into our brains…Ugh.
It’s almost overwhelming to think about, it seems somehow we’ve forgotten the power in words, what we can and do create with words, and that our language matters. Looking at what is possible if we were to learn to master our words, and our interpretations of what information we allow in, I don’t think it’s any accident that the world is being indoctrinated in a way that completely suppresses that, completely occludes that possibility and the power people might have within themselves if they only knew.
I guess I’ve already gone down a rabbit hole with this concept – he almost just mentions this as a side point in the very beginning, and yet it matters so much in every area, if we want to be understood more than we want to understand, as that one quote puts it, or if we want to persuade, or really for anything at all in terms of communicating.
And even more importantly in the context of a couple of the past steps, where he highlights how our interactions with other people can ‘make or break’ our entire lives… why have I not looked at my own language in this way before, I wonder?
I’ve been in situations where I choose my words carefully, it seems in the interest of wanting to ‘get through’ to someone (be understood, I see), especially when I’m aware that someone has a particular propensity, like being easily offended or easily angered, but I’m disappointed to see as I’m sitting here that I have not grasped that it’s my responsibility. I see that I have a responsibility to choose my language, my words, my timing, all of it – to be understood, just as much as I am also responsible for hearing what is said, without assigning my own perceptions or determining that it is set in stone, and even a responsibility to ‘drive’ what I allow in as information.
I’m seeing that the responsibility is often put on the one who misunderstood in any miscommunication… like it was their error that they didn’t hear correctly, more so than on the one who did not communicate effectively.
He mentions in the very beginning of this step about how there has been language ever since there’s been ideas, even before there were words… I never considered this before, but of course there would have to be some way to convey ideas with or without words, especially when you consider how we as humans need other humans, we all depend on each other, and our relationships seem to define so much of our lives and outcomes and even who we become. It’s so interesting to think about how huge and far reaching this is.
The lion principle here is that Wittgenstein said that if a Lion were to speak our language, we still wouldn’t understand anything he says. That is something interesting to consider, why that would be…. I see that there are different schools of thought on our words, I have known a lot of people who think talking about something ‘jinxes’ it, some people as far as even thinking that something like saying ‘I can’t stand it’ means you might sprain an ankle or break a leg, as well as others who are super sloppy with their words.
And of course the world is full of people who preach that repeating affirmations over and over will change our lives just from the words, that magically we’ll start to believe it even though we have these deep ingrained beliefs that we can’t even uproot when we know about them.
The new age world is full of sayings about how much we create with our words, however the context is in repeating something we want over and over, or trying to force ourselves to say positive words even when life sucks, or convince ourselves that we ‘already have it’ so we can attract it…
to me it seemed like a context of trying to fool the subconscious, or trying to overpower it – it becomes clear that it doesn’t work that way, just like that book about ‘feelings buried alive never die’… this is an ugly cycle to get into, and yet so many ‘enlightened’ people are in it…I guess I’m seeing that as yet another school of thought about ‘the power of words’ and how to use them that is totally ineffective.
He gives an example scenario of an American going to China, and swearing at them with a smile on his face…that they wouldn’t understand at all what he was saying. That’s definitely true, something I’ve never thought about this way…the principle here is that words really have NO meaning – the Chinese person would think the American was happy or giving him a complement in this example. Wow, so interesting to think about. The words themselves would not affect him at all, but they would understand his delivery, his smile, his expressions, his gestures….whereas if he did the same thing in the States here, people would understand him, probably be offended by his words, and also confused, convinced he’s a weirdo for saying them with a smile…
both the spoken and unspoken languages would be interpreted in one way or another. There’s another principle here, that the most important thing in life, language & communication is that we must be UNDERSTOOD.
Of course, what would be the point of communicating if we’re not understood, and yet misunderstandings happen all the time.
Looking at the lion, the point would be that the lion has no human point of reference to speak from, he would speak from a lion’s perspective, so even though we would comprehend the words themselves, we still wouldn’t understand what he was saying, not being lions ourselves. A lion wouldn’t be looking at taking care of his health, what to leave his kids, what wear to dinner, etc…
He makes an interesting point that animals are trapped in their own egocentric nature, I guess that would be their ‘survival mode’, just to eat, sleep, procreate and stay warm in the winter basically. There’s a principle here that ‘each word is a symbol, or symbols’ – not to be taken as the ‘end all’, or the final word, or ‘the gospel truth’ as they say.
I see that, I never looked at it that way. I know there are people who say that words create the future, I often hear people mention that the world was created with spoken words… but it’s interesting to consider the case of someone like Helen Keller, who couldn’t speak…but she certainly had a ton of ideas. She found a way to convey them, even before she had words. In thinking about that, it’s definitely true that temper tantrums, or a giant warm hug, or a punch in the nose for example, are all super effective communications – I see from that that there are all kinds of ways to get a point across with no words, which I guess I just never thought about.
Although I have to say I’ll never forget how my mother could make our blood run cold with one look…no words were needed in those cases!
The principle here is that words should not be underestimated, OR overestimated.
There are certainly plenty of areas where people have non-verbal communication…He notes that 80% of human communication is NON-VERBAL. Such as body language, which is even a more ancient conduit of information than words. Very interesting, I wouldn’t have thought it was that high of a percentage…although I have been at big gatherings in the Italian side of my family, where some didn’t speak English, and even of the Italian speakers there were two different dialects to where they didn’t even understand each others’ words, and yet between a handful of words and a LOT of gestures, smiles, songs and food everyone had a fantastic time and understood each other…
I never gave that much thought in terms of how much communication there was non-verbal (or at least non-words), but it was definitely at least 80%. So interesting.
The next principle I see here is ‘Communication is FAR more important than words’. Wow, I see it here, but had I read that first I don’t think I would have. There’s a principle in ‘do not be egocentric – be UNDERSTOOD’. And another in ‘there are tremendous rewards in becoming understood. We can strive to be understood – Being understood is the foundation of PERSUASION’.
These are principles</b that definitely apply in every area of life. He talks about persuasion in an earlier step, about how critical it is to be persuasive, and how being persuasive essentially involves getting your idea or concept into someone else’s head. Hmmm…that can only be done through communication, but not necessarily just words, I never considered that before.
I see a principle in ‘actuality and reality is not created simply by WORDS, because words are just CONDUITS’. He mentions Semiotics – the study of symbols and how humans use them. I never heard of that before, so I looked it up – it amazed me, just looking it up, because there is basically an entire world of non-verbal communication outlined just in reading about what it is, so much so that it’s an entire science in itself, interpreting non-verbal communication. SO interesting, I never thought about this in this way at all…the list could almost be endless… not just gestures and expressions by any stretch.
I see a principle in that ‘the things we say make sense to OURSELVES, always, in every area, but if what we’re asking of someone isn’t happening, we haven’t communicated’.
If we haven’t conveyed the level of importance or some of the other aspects of what we’re saying, we have not been PERSUASIVE, and we haven’t communicated effectively at all, even though someone understood what we said.
I also see as a principle that there is nothing wrong with PERSUADING, if we persuade in an ethical manner. Meaning not manipulative. He talked about this in a previous step as well, and how important this is, and about how being able to persuade people is so critical, I think it was in the context of building allies which we need in every area, and that being able to get people on your side or to work as a team, and really understanding different traits in people and different types of people, even being able to turn enemies into friends, are real and valuable SKILLS and they all involve persuasion.
He mentions here that his business school involves 20 hours of training about persuasion…wow. I wouldn’t have thought before that there was enough material for 20 hours, but this step and those previous ones clearly show that there is. The directive is to be understood, and not to be egocentric… but then he mentions that we can take it further by first understanding that language is not natural to humans. Whaaat?
He mentions that the level of sophistication we have now with language is so far advanced,it’s beyond our natural capacity, meaning nobody could ever know all of them.
There’s an interesting principle here, that our ability to create languages out-paces our ability to LEARN them. Hmmm… it makes sense, of course, that an English word I don’t understand might as well be Swahili, any word you don’t understand you don’t understand, in any language.
I have to say that since starting this work I’ve found myself many times on calls or in classes where I understand the actual words that are being said, but a whole concept sounds like a foreign language to me – that was a real eye-opener. It makes sense in this light, it wasn’t natural to me, in this context it was as if it came from a lion’s perspective, so foreign to me.
We’ve all had times where we’ve seen a complete breakdown in communication within the same language…any Senate hearing shows it pretty clearly, most husbands and wives, countless times with co-workers, even in football games or any pro sport, although not as often, I think because they are so well-versed in their language… also interesting to think about.
I think that whole ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ series is all about this concept. Many years ago I bought a course on marriage by Gary Smalley, it was so interesting…his overriding concept was that men and women can effectively communicate using ‘word pictures’, something that creates a picture in someone’s mind that they can relate to, rather than just barking words at them… the times I was able to do that were definitely light years more effective communication than just words.
I see a principle here in that ‘It is natural for humans to make noises, to walk upright, but language is LEARNED, not natural’.
A good principle to keep in mind for every area of life, because it’s also so valuable to consider that it means people can struggle with it, especially in times of stress, which is often when communication breakdowns happen.
There’s another principle in that ‘the foundation of getting what you want centers around other humans’, which makes these principles all that much more important, like that quote again from Freud about the source of trials, pain and tribulation in our lives coming from nature, aging, and SOCIAL – our families, our friends, our society – not knowing how to relate to other humans.
The principle there is that misunderstandings are the main cause of strife, wars, divorce, dysfunctional families, arguments, even business failures…. MISUNDERSTANDINGS. Wow, so very true. Probably all of us know situations where people literally didn’t speak to each other for years, all because somebody misunderstood something. Or even situations where someone dies, and only then does a relative find out they were mistaken about something that happened years earlier.
This drives home the importance of taking the responsibility of both communicating effectively and also receiving information in a way that it’s as close as possible to reality, and not necessarily set in stone forever. In this light, why don’t we ask more questions? If something is such a big deal that we might cut off a family member for life, why wouldn’t a person want to take a moment and make sure they interpreted it correctly?
Sometimes these steps highlight how STUPID humans can be…probably the biggest saving grace when we’re on our deathbeds is that we’re not even aware of how much was within our own power, or how much we orchestrated ourselves to screw up our lives…but I’m digressing there. In these situations it’s clear that somebody was not persuasive or understandable. It’s interesting to consider that nobody WANTS to be in the middle of a war or a divorce or family strife… that’s so true, and yet it seems there’s so much more everyone could do to rectify them. Except possibly in the areas like politics – it seems like a lot of politicians really enjoy the vehement conflict, really enjoy hearing themselves grandstanding or tearing down another person or party.
I don’t know if that’s true or not but it almost seems like it’s more desirable to be the most outspoken opponent than to be someone who considers looking at all points of view and finding a compromise or some kind of ‘win-win’ outcome.
But I can definitely see that so much of any misunderstanding comes from us simply not being skilled with the words we say, and I never looked at it that way. There’s a good principle in ‘we must remember all of the NON-VERBAL cues that make us understood’. Body language, expressions, tones of voice… I’m wondering here how my body language is received by others when I get my ‘eager & hasty’ mojo in action…
I’m envisioning my hunched over, eager body language – as I look at it, I’m almost jumping off of my chair at someone, leaning in to them. If I put myself on the receiving end of that, I would want to back up and say ‘simmer down!’…it would look much like how I saw it when I did a collage on this – a big ugly fish with teeth coming at a person. WOW…seriously?
I’m so appreciative to at least be aware of this, I had no idea, what a visual of how I must come across to others. He makes a point here that soft skills are the INTANGIBLES – the principle here is ‘become more skilled in how you use language – ALL of it, the soft skills and the hard skills’. Not just the words.
There’s another interesting principle here, that words are hard on the human brain, and they require more glycogen to process. Very interesting, that there’s even a physical aspect to how much more naturally non-verbal cues are interpreted than actual words, which require more effort… that’s really useful to know, to keep in mind, in any communication.
I see another principle in ‘know the right thing to use at the right time’. Which would involve reading people, which he also talks about at length in previous steps, the importance of being able to read people. ‘Know your audience’, as they say. I see this now as our responsibility to do this, as humans here to interact with other humans, to do it mindfully and not ‘sloppily’ would involve all of these aspects…the soft skills, the hard skills, the reading the other person…all of it, to really ‘drive’ being an effective communicator in any area of life.
There’s a great principle here that he mentions in other steps as well – that the right thing at the wrong time is the WRONG THING. Or, also a principle, ‘the Timing of the Message is everything’. This should be obvious, like knowing not to ask for a raise after hearing the CEO yelling, but unfortunately I have been a poster kid for bad timing…
I’m thinking about all of the times my timing has been absolutely lousy, especially with my husband. Sometimes I know it, but in many cases I WOULD have known it if I had been paying attention, if I had taken the responsibility to notice HIS non-verbal cues or even looked at a context such as what kind of day he’d had.
He has another principle here in that all of these pieces come into play in looking at getting what you want, and communicating effectively with other people. He also mentions the downside of this, the worst things that can happen… the cost of poor communication can be that you have people working against you, which would most certainly lead to a rough life, in every area.
Of course there are times to put your foot down and times to walk away, but clearly the wisdom and skill is in knowing what those times are. He has another good quote from Voltaire, that ‘it’s not enough to always conquer, sometimes we have to seduce, or persuade’.
I have to say the best managers I’ve seen were the very few who made people want to do well for them, and in turn allowed them to feel the pride and reward in their good work – in those cases you can see the ‘win-win’ between good managers and employees.
There’s also a good principle in ‘if we can’t continually persuade – persuade people & show them why to want to stay with us and work with us, CONTINUALLY, they will move on’. This is a new way of looking at persuasion, as a continual necessity for maintaining any relationship – almost like giving people a reason to stay, a reason to NOT move on. Also a great principle that ‘persuasion starts with words – they are the tools we have to work with’.
Where have I taken words too seriously? The most glaring example would be in my calls with you, Sophie. I can see how I took so many things as ‘gospel’, saw you as an oracle as you say…to my own detriment. I need to be mindful about that, and see that things are ‘true, for now’…or ‘I can’t….YET.’ I’m seeing that now.
Where have I not realized words were more important than I realized? I’m just starting to grasp how my words affect my husband, I think after everything that happened I ‘assumed’ my words didn’t matter much to him, and I stopped caring about things that I say and how I say them, and I have been surprised several times at how something I flippantly said hurt him, or on the flip side encouraged him, where I had no idea.
Not very complementary to me, I know, but I did this classic misunderstanding where I assumed something and then internalized it as ‘gospel’, and it wasn’t even accurate.
There are so many of these in life, certainly with everyone – every marriage, every family, every workplace…I can see from this that it takes being mindful, and grasping and being willing to take on the responsibility of being an effective communicator, whether it be in our own words, or in asking the right questions to clarify someone else’s words, or in interpreting the non-verbal aspects, all of it.
What can I do to be better understood, more persuasive, more appropriate in my timing? Wow, I see so many things I can do from this step…I think the biggest is being AWARE. Really more aware and mindful of my own words that resign me to things… the I am, it is, because it’s one way or another, etc… and the words I use to limit myself or set something as permanent.
More aware and mindful of how my words affect others, more aware and mindful of others and their non-verbal communications, more aware of how much language MATTERS. More aware of my responsibility to be UNDERSTOOD.
I feel like this report probably reads like a jumble of rabbit holes that I went down as I thought about things, but this is such a great one, it brings to light so many important things to consider and be mindful of in all kinds of communication in all areas of life. I see this step, mastering some of these principles, as a huge part of taking responsibility, driving our lives and living them more powerfully.
And an absolutely critical step in terms of learning to weed out what doesn’t work, what isn’t useful, and what is limiting us.
-Jodie