Life is hard. Arrogance is easy. However, arrogance had made my life harder than it had to be.
It’s only the third step, but I had to take a mental break 8 minutes into the audio. I had to walk away and deal with what was being presented to me. Step two was like that as well, but I lasted 20 minutes before I needed a break.
Realizing that what I was doing was being arrogant with everything I hoped to accomplish, and seeing that humility is the key to a meaningful life was a lot to handle. I see my arrogance everywhere. It’s how I run my life. I know better than anyone. After all – it’s my life. Am I afraid to look vulnerable? Probably more so than afraid to look stupid. But that vulnerability, the being taken advantage of, the need to protect, backfires so that I made myself vulnerable to those that prey. Not taking the time to research equipment led to a preying salesperson to charge me more than double what something was worth. Now I struggle to pay for it.
Even when I attempted to research it – I couldn’t see the words on the screen – I couldn’t read the sentences. My mind went into protect mode and I wasn’t able to research. All that was left was to be vulnerable. The very thing I was trying to avoid. I wanted what I wanted and I knew I could make it work. I was so arrogant that it cost me dearly – financially.
The principle of humility – learning when I think I know – learning from others, books, audios, has been missing. The ability to listen – I thought I was working on it, but I was far from being able to listen due to arrogance. So I was not coachable, no follow through, and not much stuck. A few things, but not much. So to develop humility I can take an action step to read a book beginning to end. And not start 6 books at a time, realize they aren’t relevant to what I need in the moment ( because I know ) and stop after the first chapter or two.
Is it normal to feel shocked listening to these audios?
I have been looking at the original incident and chipping away at it. Instead of seeing myself screaming and reaching for my parents while being wheeled away, I can now picture myself facing the opposite direction – the direction they were taking me and looking forward. Some wind in my hair, and it was like they were taking me on an adventure. I can remember more details, like when they put the mask over my face – I now remember that I refused to breathe. I wonder if that is why I have always had a hard time breathing while doing physical activities. So in the original incident I am now calm and breathing deeply when they put the mask on my face.
It seems the arrogance I have began with that original incident. I knew they were evil and I knew they wanted to do harm. It was very clear to me when I woke up from the operating table that people were not to be trusted. I am on my own and I can figure it out on my own. So that most likely extends to books, articles, audios as well. The ‘I don’t need your help’ attitude probably comes from that as well.
I’ll keep chipping away…