Hi Sophie,
This step is ‘The frontman, and 2 ways to pick your trench mate.’
This one was, to me, an interesting way of looking at life as a ‘team effort’…
I really never looked at it that way before, whether it’s ego or too much ‘about me’ going on, I’ve always looked at my life as pretty much just me doing it, at least since whenever I wasn’t dependent on adults to survive anymore. I was a little perplexed when he started right out with ‘we need Allies, or a coalition’… but now that I’ve listened to this, I actually see this as a principle now, now that I’ve considered that we really do need people for everything – anything we eat, anything we buy, anywhere we work, in every area of life, we need people, so it follows that we need Allies… people we trust, who can also trust us. And I see now that in terms of money, we do live in a world of exchange, from person to person all the way up to from country to country, we really are all totally interconnected.
I also never looked at life in terms of a ‘modern day war’, where he mentions the 4 mentalities from Freud that were in previous steps – Scarcity, prosperity, wealth and impact – I would definitely consider it a victory if I could at least get out of number one! But I see it, where we wage war against getting older, against disease or poor health, and definitely in business. I never considered it in terms of love and relationships, but considering that there is competition, within families and also in finding a partner, I can see where we have our personal challenges or ‘wars’ in every area, and most of all I see that we are at war with things that make us unhappy, and that many of our wars are internal – I actually see that as a principle as well… in my case, that’s most of them – I see that I seem to always be in some internal battle with some aspect of myself that I make wrong. I’m noticing that I’ve also seen this in my mom – she is always talking about herself or something she did or does as something wrong, something that shouldn’t be or should be different. I didn’t realize until I started working with you that I do this too… but in my case I’m seeing that it seems to center around self-importance, like it’s this heavy life-or-death scenario with me, when really all it is is just life. This heavy ‘I have to be perfect’ thing that I have is a real force of nature! I can see though, that ‘We are not going to win every battle’…. I see this as a principle as well. In love, business, investing, whatever it is, we won’t win then all, and that’s obvious when I really think about it, but without giving that conscious consideration I realize I just go along with a mindset that I ‘should’ win them all. Very interesting, I never noticed that before. All that does is make it, or myself, wrong when I don’t win.
Another thing I’ve never thought about this way is, as I stick it out and gain ground and move along through life, who do I want in the trench with me? This is an interesting thing to consider. In the context of how we are all interconnected, I see it as a principle that we won’t continue to gain ground all by ourselves.
It was interesting to me that Warren Buffett looks for energy, intelligence, and integrity. But energy and intelligence without integrity is what he absolutely doesn’t want… I do see that as well. I have never pinpointed specific qualities like this, I really see the value in having these specific things to look for.
I also never really considered the importance of loyalty – not 100% blind loyalty, but someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. I have only in the past couple of years found friends like this, and I do treasure them… as I look at this, I’m seeing that I never really felt like I needed good friends, I felt like I could handle things myself. Like I love being a good friend to other people, but that I’m not someone who needs someone there for me – I’ve always kept everything to myself, so I could be the perfect positive person on the outside and never let people see I’m human… so stupid.
Only recently am I considering that it’s okay to be human, it’s okay to have issues, and it’s really being more of a friend to give and take, to share and receive. I am realizing that relationships become closer when both share, when both surrender that wall of pride and share freely, trusting each other to the extent that they know it’s safe to share. That, I see now, is living, and I think even living life more powerfully…
I used to think it was more ‘powerful’ to keep everything inside and be this indestructible pillar of ‘strength’, (all a show)… I see that now as not living at all, not experiencing the gift of sharing and reciprocating with other people in our lives – and why? what do I have to lose? What am I protecting? I risk only getting hurt once in a while, and I am okay with that risk if it means I can gain the beautiful experience of true trusting, giving and sharing and receiving friendships.
Where I see I’m a little deficient is in choosing… in seeing who really is loyal, who really has integrity – I tend to assume everybody does. He mentioned that if we don’t have a good ‘gut feeling’ for loyalty, we should look at when in our lives we were betrayed by someone… that really made me think. I’m really not sure on this… I don’t remember any real betrayals in my life until recently, but I haven’t had a great ‘gut feeling’ about people in this regard…
What I do remember is having a huge loss of confidence when I was 11 or 12… at that time we had been living in Maryland at a place that I really loved, it was the longest we ever lived anywhere (4 or 5 years) so I actually had some good friends, I had teachers that allowed me to be creative and write stories and plays, and life was fantastic – I was really happy at that point… and then we moved to a tiny town in another state where the kids were not very accepting and we were just ‘outsiders’, and shortly thereafter my dad left my mom for another woman, and I remember a complete loss of confidence, like the rug had been pulled out from under me…
I became SUPER shy, and started to rely on my sister to help me communicate with people. I also remember that my mom was devastated and completely withdrew to her bedroom, and I felt like I had to run the household for a while until she was stable enough to be in charge again, which was about a year or more. It was a very strange time…
I don’t recall specifically feeling betrayed, but maybe I did. I did feel awkward, shy, and backwards at school, but at home I cooked and handled things my mom would have handled, made sure she kept eating, and determined I was the ‘man of the family’ and had to take care of everyone at home, because they were both super emotional and having a tough time handling my dad leaving and I was pretty stoic about the whole thing… my mom and sister were so devastated, one of us had to hold it together and run things. Maybe that’s where I learned it wasn’t safe to have the emotions or okay to be human… I never really looked at that before.
I guess I’m totally off of where he was going with this, but I’m wondering if this sudden 180-degree turn in my life has to do with my lack of having a gut feeling… it’s strange, I totally assumed the responsibilities at home, but at school I didn’t trust myself or my judgment at all – this was a really weird time. I don’t know if it’s related or not, but it’s interesting to think about.
I see as a principle ‘with a partner, any kind of partner, pick someone who complements you, who is weak where you are strong’. This definitely applies in all areas of life, and in the taste cases where I’ve seen this, it works beautifully.
So the two areas for choosing a trench mate, 1 being loyal and 2 being finding someone complementary – I have always seen in business that business partners only succeed if they are a good complement to each other… and I have seen more fail than succeed for this very reason, so I thoroughly understand the importance of this… but I didn’t put the same weight on loyalty for some reason, and this step really shed light on the importance of that.
I see a principle in ‘make sure the people you choose are not competing with you’… I didn’t see this as a principle initially, but as I think about it, in every area of life, actually most of the conflicts I’ve seen or experienced had to do with one or the other or both being competitive with the other, to the point where it made whatever partnership it was ultimately unworkable… I never really noticed what a big factor that is.
I see a principle in ‘There are no well-rounded people, but there are well rounded teams.’ That’s pretty profound, of course I see it when it’s put this way, but I never considered it before. Looking at it this way now, I can see how extremely limiting it is to think you can ‘go solo’ through life, and also how silly it is to think you’re being strong and independent, while you’re just shooting yourself in the foot by depriving yourself of the talents and inputs of others that are so much more than what you have on your own.
In looking at the direct and indirect approach of choosing my ‘trench mates’, I can see value in both methodologies… both are interesting to consider. It makes sense to me to find out as much as I can through friends and colleagues… . kind of like how I usually buy things online largely based on the reviews…
I think people are mostly willing to be honest when they take the time to review something, or to refer someone. I also found it interesting to consider how many times someone says ‘thank you’ in the course of a day or an evening… I never thought about that in terms of learning about what kind of person someone is, but I do see how that tells you something about a person.
But I also see the value in taking the time to see someone through all their different ‘seasons’… with my first husband I made this mistake – I thought I knew him so well, but when we hit our ‘winter’ I realized that I really never saw him in difficult times, and he really couldn’t cope with them at all… had I seen that downside before I married him, I probably would have chosen differently.
In considering a time when I was betrayed, I have to say I didn’t follow these steps… I didn’t look for a history of loyalty, and if I would have, I would have seen that historically there wasn’t loyalty… if I had considered how important that is, as I see it now, I believe I would have chosen differently… very interesting to look at that.
If I look at a business partner that my first husband had, he found someone complementary, but he also never looked for loyalty… if he had, and had chosen someone loyal instead, our lives would have gone completely differently… wow, I actually can’t believe that now that I’m looking at that, what a big thing loyalty is.
After this step, I’m seeing that I want to look around in my ‘trench’ and see the very best, loyal, skilled, people, people who are able to give and receive love, all these things I never looked at… again, how I do anything is how I do everything, and I’ve been careless about this, just accepting whoever comes up in my path, and now I see the cost of that. I also see, again, that this is a process, and it takes some time, but I also see for the first time how worth it it is to take the time to find the right trench – mate… so interesting.
Jodie